dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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