Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
