I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
