Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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