I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
