He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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