My liver just broke up with me...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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