I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
