Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
