i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
