What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
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The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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