My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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