I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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