Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
