I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
