Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
