I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
