she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
