Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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