She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
