Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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