I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
