i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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