note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
