My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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