i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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