it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
