"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
