in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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