even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
