You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
