there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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