I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
