dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
