It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
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she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
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Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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