Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
