I wish I could teleport
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
