I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
