Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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