If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
