I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
