I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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