Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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