I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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