Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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