Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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