So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
