my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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