it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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