He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
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I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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