My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
