moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I understand Curling. That high.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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