she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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