And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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