I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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