I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
