I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
