I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
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I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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